keeping it real // living a happy life

A few years ago, I was suffering from something that a lot of people struggle with on a daily basis. Some people deal with it for years and years, some people for short period of times. I was depressed. Not only was I depressed but I had major anxiety coupled with OCD. I felt like my life was spinning out of control…decisions I had made in the past to remain quiet when I should've stood up for myself, were finally catching up with me. I felt trapped in an unhappy life.



Here's my disclaimer - no one forced me into the decisions I made. I made my own choices, knowing that they were not the right choices for me. I was scared to disappoint others, hurt people's feelings, make myself 'unlikable'. I was not well.

Eventually, I had the courage to start standing up for myself and some of the people closest to me, didn't like that. I was finding myself at 26 years old. People didn't get that…how could I have spent so long in the dark?

Well, that's what depression does. It fills you with doubt and with fear. It binds you to a life where you question every move you make and every decision. During this time of depression and anxiety, I was going to see two counselors and a psychiatrist. That's right…3 different people were listening to me confess my worries, my sadness, my uncertainties. This went on for months and months.

Then one day, I woke up and looked in the mirror. I cried at what I saw…a woman who was so consumed in her weight, her appearance, her life that there wasn't a shred of happiness left. This was rock bottom. I knew something had to change, and it had to change quickly.

Things got harder before they got easier. I had a lot of questions to answer for the choices I had made. Being depressed or being sick didn't seem a good enough excuse for some people, where others accepted that whole heartedly. True friends and supportive family members were appreciated beyond belief (and still are!) while the others found themselves on the outside of my new life. I was fully committed to finding happiness.

I moved to London, scared out of my mind, but feeling happier than I had ever felt before. It was a difficult transition for me…a year before this I was in the depths of depression. I cried a lot when I moved here, mostly because I missed my friends and family. But I never once questioned my decision.

This is where 'living a happy life' begins. You make choices and you stand by them. Are they always the best decisions? No, not always. But were they the decisions you wanted to make at the time you wanted to make them? Absolutely.

I have a couple more things to say about depression.
1. It is the worst.
2. It can be defeated.

Over the last couple years, I have felt that depression and anxiety creeping back in. And when I feel it creeping, I know what to do…either someone needs to be stood up to, or something needs to get out of my life. The girl who used to worry about what everyone thought no longer exists. This doesn't mean that I want people to think I'm a person who doesn't consider other's feelings. I absolutely do. But I also surround myself with people who I know will support me.

Adam taught me something that I will always believe in for as long as I live. He calls it 'positive mental attitude' or PMA. When I start complaining about something trivial and unimportant, or I am letting that negativity creep in, I remind myself of PMA. There's a quote which I often think about when I start to have negative thoughts.

If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. - Roald Dahl

And let's be real…who doesn't want to look lovely and happy all the time?
xx
K